Pointlessness, Restlessness and Nothingness, really

I'm bored and very restless. That isn't necessarily a good combination. My mood is very indecisive, rather like myself. I think it's the coffee, but maybe not. I'm discontented with my own life, and I want to be different but I don't. I think I have a phobia of change, even though it's something that I really need. For example: I'm bored, but I'm too lazy to do anything, but I don't like being lazy, but I'm too lazy to stop being lazy. See the need for change? Okay, so that made no sense but quite honestly, I don't care. I don't care about a lot of things, really. And sometimes I care too much about things that don't need caring about. There I go, not making sense again. *Sigh* I'm just so confused, that I don't know what I ought to care about, plus I'm lazy. Laziness and confusion are worse than boredom and restlessness.

I guess I'm lukewarm. Which, of course is bad. I'm this and that, here and there, blah blah blah. *Sigh* That's a pretty accurate description I suppose. I feel very blah. I keep going between how I feel, and how I should feel. I get the two confused to the point where, I'm not even sure I feel anymore. But I do. And I think far far too much. This is why I'm the most confused person in the world.

I've realized that I sound very bitter and cynical. I feel that way (I think) but that's not how I normally am. I feel different when I'm by myself than when I'm around other people. I know that makes me sound fake, but it's not, really. It's just that people distract me enough that I quit thinking so hard about myself. When I stop thinking so much, I'm not nearly as depressed. Not that I'm really depressed, just...Oh I don't know! I really, really don't! I'm just rambling about nothing, and it's not making me feel any better or worse or anything. I'm going to hope that this is just one of those stupid teenage phase thingies. Because this is just something that I don't understand, and I'm really sick of dealing with it.

The only consolation I have is that God is bigger than me and my problems. It would be nicer if I knew how to let Him handle it, but hey, you don't always get everything you want. I've heard illustrations about "handing your worries to God." Believe me, if I could put my worries in a box and mail it to God, I would have done that a long time ago. The trouble is, I think that's one of those every day things. I'm pretty sure that goes under "daily take up your cross" or something like that. How is that I can want to trust God with everything that I have, but can't somehow? It's not like I don't believe in Him. It's not like I think I can handle it myself. (Really, I'm not that stupid) In fact, I don't know what the problem is. I think I just have trouble trusting people. *Rolls eyes.* This probably has something to do with a deep psychological problem that involves the repression of awful memories from my early childhood. Or is it suppression? I can't remember the difference between the two. Oy.

I really think I could go on like this for a long time. But I'm really not getting anywhere, nor have I drawn any good conclusions. Well, except for the fact that I say really too much. I've said it eleven times already! Hmm, what are some synonyms for really? ..... That explains a lot. I could use 'certainly' or 'actually' or 'very' but those aren't always good substitutes. *Sigh* I sigh a lot too. I wonder if that's good or bad? I also phrase my sentences in the form of a question. That's my indecisiveness coming through.

This is long, and very pointless. Probably very uninteresting, too. But you know what? I'm not writing this to entertain you. I'm writing this because...well, okay, so I don't know exactly why I'm writing this. I've never been really good at keeping a diary of any sort. Never really saw the point, if you want to know the truth. (There I go with that really word again. That's getting really annoying. Ah! Very annoying, is what I meant! Very annoying.) So the point of this is pointless I guess. I make so much sense. It's no wonder I'm confused all the time. Seriously, half the time I just walk around confusing the heck out of myself.

I need to finish The Catcher in the Rye. It's affecting the way I talk. It's a really (ARG! VERY!) good book, but it's hard to read because of the way that it's written. It's also confusing to go between that and Charles Dickens. Oy. I'm going to have to find something else to read that doesn't give me a headache.

Okay, I'm done. This is over a page long, and terribly boring, I'm afraid. (Not that I care, though ;-)) I just need to shut up and go to bed. Not that sleeping will help, though. But that's another entry.

That more than wraps up this very (yes!) long rant.

Until next time (which could be anytime, considering my inconsistency),

~A&C

EDIT: Yay! It worked. Okay, I'm Siriusly (*tear*) done now.

Testing, Trying and T.V.

This is a test of the emergency posting system. If this were an actual emergency, we would all be screaming and running around in circles. Yes, circles. Because, you know, that actually helps. (I watch too much T.V....)

EDIT: Okay, that's entirely unfair. Why did it post that and not the incredibly long rant that I wanted to post? Uh-oh, is there a limit on how long posts can be? If so, I may have a problem. I try not to restrict myself when I rant (except for when I'm around other people that aren't really my close friends. I only scare my best buds and complete strangers) which is why I have this little blog anyway. Hmm.. I'll try it again, before this gets to be a full fleged rant.

Well, now my blog finally looks exactly how I want it to. I suppose now that the typical I'm-still-figuring-this-out posts are out of the way, it may be a good idea to say a few things about myself. But you know what? I don't feel like it. I'm a writer, and I know enough to show not tell.

Currently I'm trying to decipher my own feelings. I'm definitely tired. I'm also slightly apprehensive, because in just a few hours, I'll be going on a mission to the Dominican Republic. I'm not really nervous or scared; I've been to Mexico on a similar trip, but I've heard different thing about DR, and it sounds very unlike Mexico. Plus, I'm not entirely sure what we'll be doing down there. In Mexico, the mission was clear: build a house for a family that has none. But this time around, I have choices to make about what I'll be doing, which is bad, because I'm horrible at decision making. That's mostly because I'm overly analytical and try to figure out the best choice instead of going with my feelings.

Only two of my friends are going on this trip with me, and they're two that I really only see at church on sundays, and sometimes Wednesdays. Well, hopefully this will be a good time to get to know Megan and Katie better.

Now I have to wrap this up. My mom's going to come in here in a minute and yell at me for not getting ready.

Until next week,

~A&C