Coffee, conversations and counselling

Mood: Pleased
Music: “I Can Only Imagine” by MercyMe

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I should be doing my English Lit homework but something good happened tonight that I want to talk about (and I just plain don't want to do it).

After dinner my mom mentioned that we didn't have anything sweet and that she liked to have dessert after dinner.

So I said, "You know what we should do? We should sneak out, go to Baker's Square and have coffee and pie. French Silk is sounding really good right now."

Well, the look on her face told me she agreed. So, after much hassle from my youngest sister who wanted to come on our "errand" we sat at Baker's Square with coffee, French Silk and Oreo pies.

Honestly, I was sort of hoping that she and I would really get to talk. I have so many things, emotions, ideas etc. that I just want to talk about sometimes. But I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. Brenda, but since she's not my FISH group leader anymore I don't see her enough. Hopefully, Lora will be able to fill that gap. But tonight, I hopped to talk to my mom. So when I got the chance, I made sure to turn the conversation to important issues.

Finally, I got to tell her how the divorce affected me. I got to explain what sort of emotional "trauma" (for lack of a better word) I went through. I told her how her and my dad living together after all of that makes me feel. What's more, I told her what I think it's doing to Amber and Sarah. Because I'm old enough and have resources enough to handle this. They don't. They simply cannot comprehend how it affects them. I could tell she never imagined that this was what we were going through. By some random (probably God-given) bout of discernment, I told her that Sarah's hateful outbursts came from her not telling us what was going on. This is what kills me. See, when they got divorced, they sat down and told us what was going to happen. But when dad moved back in, there was no "this is how it's going to be" conversation. And unconsciously, I think Sarah (and Amber too, for that matter) is mad because she was not included in a decision that seriously affects her. So she has this need for control and she doesn't trust her parents because they messed up big time. And they don't do anything about it. This was hard for my mom to hear. I forced her to realize that she was avoiding it. That maybe if she ignored it, it would go away. But I said that she couldn't avoid it.

"What happened during that time shaped who we are. If you pretend it didn't happen you're ignoring a big part of me."

I know that sounds cheesy, but it's really true. I have way too much time to think, and I have analyzed myself, and I understand, at least in part, what those three or so years did to me. I was able--or rather, God was able--to make that a positive experience. I don't have that much hope for Amber and Sarah. It was too long ago for them, they've had too much time to bury it. I buried it, and it was hard to dig up, believe me. I tried to make this all clear to my mom. I also tried to emphasize how helpful I thought family counseling would be. Even though that kind of makes me uncomfortable...I'd do it. For their sakes I would do it.

Anyway, I think the most significant point I made to my mom is this: yes, your worst fears have come true. Your children are having your childhood. That, I think, made her willing to do anything to stop it.

Okay, enough of this for one night. I really ought to be a Psychologist or something.

One other thing I did want to add. I'm posting this on my Blog because the comments don't work. On my LJ, I know that no one reads it, and it makes me sad. Here, I can pretend that people read it, they just have no way to let me know. Heh, I'm more like my mom than I'm willing to admit. ;)

I'll wrap this up now. I can't avoid my English homework; it won't disappear if I neglect it.

Until my next spare five minutes with a purpose,

~A&C




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