Hate, hate and...love?

Mood: Distressed
Music: Oldies coming in from the window

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Today I went to Holy Trinity church because a group from Kansas was holding signs bearing messages like "God hates Fags" and "Thank God for 9/11"

I went up to two girls and introduced myself. They seemed a bit older than me, maybe 18 or 19. Their names were Sarah and Megan. They were very polite in the beginning, until I started to say that I disagreed with them. I didn't say they were wrong, I said, "Hmm..I don't agree with that." I'm not even going to try to reproduce some of the conversation. If you want to know what they said, go to www.godhatesfags.com If you want to know what I said, see 1 Corinthians 13.

When I got back in my car and left (I could stand it no longer) I started crying. I'm not really sure why, but I still feel like it. In fact, I'll probably start crying as I write this. I can think of a few reasons I might be crying..maybe it's all of them. I think the most prominent is that all I heard from them was "____ hates you" God hates me, my parents hate me, they hate me--oh, no wait. Of course not. They love me. Love is, after all, telling people the hard truth. But I couldn't stand there and not be affected by them. Words hurt. I hope my words healed. I think there were a couple times where I got mad and lashed out at them, but I really really hope that it was righteous anger.

I'm actually surprised how much what they said hurt me. I can't believe any of it, of course, but try hearing everything you've ever known be spit upon in your face. When they said God hated me...I couldn't take it. (I'm crying) All I can think of is, no, please. Not God. I can take hate from anyone, but please not him. Not my best friend, not my savior. Because I love him so much...I couldn't bear it if he abandoned me. If God doesn't love me, then the God I believe in isn't real. And if God doesn't love me then I'm going to become an atheist because I refuse to believe in their god. Because their god lies, and can't make up his mind about things, and creates people only to hate them. Sounds a little sadistic if you ask me. But they didn't. They hardly listened to anything I said.

Oh, but the news did. Hehe. If I have one consolation for going out there today, it was that some truth got on film. I'm actually kind of excited. I doubt they'll twist my words to favor Westboro. That just doesn't make sense for them. I was interviewed by a radio and TV station. The camera made me a bit nervous, and I hope I was articulate in what I said. I don't know why, but I didn't even consider the fact that the media would be there. They asked me why I was there, which was really a good question. Why was I there? What I think I told the news was that I thought that someone needed to bring truth out there. I told them that I didn't completely disagree with them, but they missed something huge.

The funny thing was, Sarah and I could absolutely not believe the other actually believed what she was saying. I don't think she realized that what she was saying to me was sounded just as outrageous as what I was saying to her. I tried to be as kind as I could, but what made me so mad was when she interrupted me. Now when I was talking to Megan, Sarah butted in and said, "Will you let her finish a sentence?" Which I did, even though Sarah had interrupted me.

But then later, when Sarah wouldn't let me finish what I was trying to say, I said, "Just a minute ago you yelled at me for interrupting her, can I finish what I'm going to say?"

"NO!" Was the response. Of course not, said her tone of voice, don't you know we have more of a right to speak than you?!

Oh, this was good. I told her that I was coming back tomorrow and she wanted me to look at some things for her tonight.

"This is your homework," she said. "You need to read the Bible--"

"I've almost got it."

"You've almost got it?" She was dumbfounded, as if this was the craziest thing she'd heard all day.

"Yeah, I've only got to finish Numbers and a few of the Minor Prophets."

"And you're 16? That's just...sad. You know why that is? Your parents hate you because they didn't give you a Bible as soon as you could read."

Oh, good. Now my parents hate me too. Although, I doubt they hate me as much as she does.

I'm still going to go back tomorrow, only I'll be better prepared. I can't believe how stupid I am, why did I even think of doing this without "putting on the full armor of God"? That's why their words hurt me so much. My heart wasn't protected. I had my sword, that's for sure, but no armor. *Hits self on head* Idiot! My biggest mistake, I think, is not having anyone pray for me. What has happened to my brain? How could I even think about going into this without prayer? I mean, yeah, I prayed, but I really needed the support of other believers.

I'm still really shaken up. I think I'm going to go take a nap. Sleep solves everything, doesn't it?

~A&C

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