"Bad Day," "You Raise Me Up," and "It's not the End"
Today, I had a bad day.
It's significant to note that I don't have bad days often (a fact I realized and appreciated today). In fact, I didn't really recognize it as a "bad day" until Brenda pointed it out. I kept saying, oh, I'm just really tired, I'm stressed out, I'm too busy, but the fact of the matter is, I had a crappy day. I wonder if I was afraid to admit that? Hmmm. Meh, I'm not really in the mood to self-analyze. I'm in the mood to rant, and as this is a random ranting board, here goes.
So everything started well enough. I mean, I knew that I had a bunch of homework I hadn't finished but, hey, I had coffee so the world was all good. Then my coffee went away. And I started doing Algebra. We're doing these stupid function things, which I hate and don't understand. And I wasn't even there on Friday. I shouldn't be expected to be able to apply concepts from notes I wasn't there to take. (Granted, I should have looked at the homework before Monday morning and asked one of my friends who took the class last year to help me, but that really isn't point. Plus, realizing that it's my own fault only makes me more frustrated.) So I'm in the Library at ten till eight trying to figure out how to graph the stupid lowest integer function, knowing full well that I also haven't read the two sections of Beowulf for second hour, nor have I studied for my Psychology test first hour. I gave up. I'd do it at lunch...even though, lunch is when I read a Psalm and try to focus on God.
Fortunately, in Psych all we're doing is finishing up the test for those who didn't on Friday and everyone else gets a sort of work on something else time. Or so I thought. So I read Beowulf. Check, one thing done. With only enough time left in class to realize, hey, I left my Psych notes at home. Yeah, the ones I haven't studied for that test I'm going to make up seventh hour. It's about this time that I figure out that there was a worksheet she wanted everyone else to do. Oops. More homework for me.
So in English Lit I find out that I didn't really need to read Beowulf. It helps, yeah, but I should have studied for Psych. Hindsight is always 20/20. Anyway, that class was normal. There's a test tomorrow that I will miss because I'm taking the Consumer Education test. Fortunately a lot of people will be gone for that so I don't have to find time to make that up.
To add in some more stress, remembered that I also neglected my Physics homework. So I grabbed that book on the way to French, along with my Algebra book, so now my book bag weighs a ton, which causes me to slouch, which makes me look even shorter. In French, I'm trying to get as much Physics done as possible without letting Madame know what I'm doing, or at the very least, pretend like I'm paying attention. I'm not sure if I succeeded. She didn't say anything, nor did I get any looks, so I'm hoping for the best. Anyway, it turned out that I had to copy Akshata's homework, because there was no way I was going to get the whole thing done in French. (And I couldn't do it in homeroom because, of course, that's the time I spend with the Lord. Is anyone else seeing a pattern here?) I really don't like copying. But what else was I supposed to do? *CoughHindsightCough*
I don't really remember exactly what God and I talked about during homeroom. I know it was something about the theme for the day (Jesus as a Shepard/Gate) but at lunch I had to work on my Algebra. I still didn't understand it. Alyssa did her best to explain it to me, but it wasn't clicking. I got a few minutes of solace while she was in the bathroom and I read my Psalm for the day. It was a nice, calming thing. It didn't last long. I was just frustrated for a lot of reasons, and without really being aware of it, all of the days events were sort of pulling me down. Now, it's very strange to me that I could feel this way and not be aware of it. But it's true. I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do with that, or what it means. But I do know that when I get this way, I let out long breaths in puffs through my teeth. I do it a lot. Then I feel like I have to exhale slower to calm myself down. I also run my fingers through my hair.
I think this is the reason I didn't notice that I was having a bad day. I wasn't feeling it all the time. My stress sort of went to the back of my mind when it wasn't right in front of me. Like during P.E. I just sat around and talked about Homecoming. It was great. But as soon as I got into the locker room I remembered my homework and instantly became stressed again. This, my friends, is extreme ADD.
Well, by the time I got to taking that Psych test, I wasn't doing so well. I knew that I didn't have my notes (which we were allowed to use on the test) and that I hadn't studied...at all. Well, I got my test and I'm out in the hallway, where it is very noisy, I might add. Someone's drilling maps or something onto the wall Baker's class is doing some project and making a lot of noise. Keogh is next door yelling about Communist China and Mao's red book. I can't focus. By the time the bell rings I haven't finished, but I knew she was planning to let us come back after school. Problem: I have three places to be after school. I talk to Ms. Snow, make that four places.
Algebra was normal. (BTW, Normal=stressful) I didn't really finish my homework. And even though she gave us class time, I didn't finish tonight's assignment.
I want to get to after school. I hurried to get to Psych so I could finish the test and get to Speech. I had tried to study some during Algebra, which would have helped...if I had the right notes. But when I get there, I just keep staring at the page. My mind is blank. All I can think of is how I can't think and how I wish I had studied and what I want to say to make Ms. Snow give me some kind of break though I know she won't. I started to cry. And this was the biggest proof that my day was really worse than I knew. I don't cry in front of people outside of church. For once I was glad my bangs are so long they cover my eyes. Half of me wanted Ms. Snow to see me crying and take pity on me, the other half silently begged her not to ask me if I was okay, because I'd probably have broken down completely. Finally, I just made something up and left blank spaces on my test (which I hate doing). I went to speech, hoping my eyes weren't red, but not having time to run into the bathroom. Natalie was there. I tried not to look at her, because, just like my teacher, if she said anything like are you okay, or even something completely innocent like how was your day I would have started sobbing. My voice kinda cracked as it was. My locker isn't far enough away from the Speech room. I'm not sure what I wanted or needed, but Natalie came over to talk to me. I think she wasn't sure if there was really anything wrong with me or not. Like I said, I don't have bad days much. I can't remember what she said, but I couldn't tell her that I was fine. I was tired. I had a long day.
Almost incredulous, she asked, "What time did you get to bed?"
Sadly, I was in bed by 10:30. That's a very good bedtime. I got seven complete hours of sleep. It was then I realized the tired excuse wasn't working.
"I just had a really long day."
You know, I didn't ask her about her day. I was concentrating too much on not crying.
I was sort of in this I'm-not-crying-everything's-okay mood when I got to church. I knew I wanted to talk to Brenda. I love Brenda. She is the only person that I can really talk to. The only person who I can talk to without.... I don't know exactly what I mean. The difference, I suppose, is this: I wanted Brenda to ask me how my day was. But you know what? She didn't have to. As soon as she saw me, she could tell there was something wrong. She said how are you like she knew the answer.
"I just had a really long day."
"Are you sure that's all, because you look like you're about to cry."
People just noticing that I'm about to cry makes me want to cry.
"It was just a lot of little things...I forgot to do some homework and there was this test I had to make up...it was just..."
"A crappy day?"
Yes! Brenda! You're a genius! I love her.
"Do you want to go talk somewhere?"
There were people in her office. I'm not sure what they were doing there, but I didn't want to cry in front of them. I tried to avoid eye contact.
"I don't know. If we did, it would just be me ranting and I'd probably feel better but it wouldn't solve anything."
By this time, I was crying, and Brenda (very subtly) slipped me a Kleenex. The other girls arrived for Drama. Again, I avoided eye contact. So when Rachel decided it was time to start Drama, I gave Brenda a hug, tried very very hard not to start crying again and followed them out. Before I could get far, Matt (who had been conducting whatever 'meeting' I'd intruded on) stopped me.
"What am I, chopped liver?"
So I gave him a hug too. And this wasn't the type of hug I normally get from Matt. The sort of shoulders come together and you pat each other’s backs. It was a real hug. I wanted to cry more. I'm crying now just thinking about it. I don't know why it is, but when I'm upset, nothing gets at me more than people caring. I'm not sure what that says about people caring about me, but again, I'm not in the mood for self-analysis.
So on the way home, I tried to talk to Jesus. It's not a good idea, though, to cry when driving. But he reminded me that he wasn't going anywhere, and he cares about Bad Days. And sometimes, he just wants me to let him carry me on his shoulders.
I came home, I ate dinner, and I watched Everybody Loves Raymond. At about seven, I thought, man, it'd be great if I could sit down, do an hour of homework, chill out for a bit, start going to bed around 8:15 and be asleep by 9! Yeah, the time is now 8:32. Hopefully I'll make the same 10:30 bedtime I got yesterday.
*Breathes out in a big puff through her teeth and runs her fingers through her hair. *
That wraps up this rant. Here's to tomorrow.
Until next time,
~A&C
It's not the end/The end of the world/It's just another day/Depending on Grace...don't sleep it all away/.../Sometimes life takes so much more than it gives/But the one who makes the air I breathe/Is the one who'll fix the ceiling when it starts to leak/It may look like the end but it's only the beginning
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