Chapped lips, Chapstick, and things like Chemistry.

Oy.

I've been saying that a lot lately. It's something I say usually when I'm irritated or annoyed. Like once I sneezed about ten times in a row, I said "oy" after the first seven. I have to pull an inordinately heavy cart for band; I say "oy" when dragging it uphill.

School's started, and I've said "oy" many, many times. Let's just use today as an example:

We have a new school building, but unfortunately, the traffic is horrendous. We sat in a line up of cars for 10 minutes to go less than a mile. (Our town isn't huge, so it's not like we're used to big-city traffic.) The problem is a four-way stop at an intersection with two streets. They go like this: _l , so there really is no need to stop at all, because there's no oncoming traffic to stop for. (The other two streets are closed, and will stay that way until October)

I'm a sophomore. This year, it's a new requirement for sophomores to take aquatics. Yay! :-p Not to mention that the sophomore lockers got all mixed up. When we first registered, my sister was telling me that it was neat that I was the first person to ever use my locker. Well, now I'm third, because the sophomores have had to change lockers three times. First, the number plates were wrong, so they came and changed the numbers, causing all of us to be in the wrong lockers. Apparently, moving down one was either too confusing or to much trouble because several people didn't comply. So they just gave us entirely new locker assignments. I'm not sure where they got the idea from, but we're no longer in alphabetical order. It's really weird. (The only good thing about that ordeal was that they let us skip most of first hour to switch our lockers.)

The temperature has been in the upper 90's to 100's so, since 8 (I think) schools in our district don't have air conditioning, every body gets out of school early. We shorten our last three classes by twenty minutes to accommodate for that schedule. The bell was going nuts! First it was just four minutes off, and then it would ring every five minutes. We thought we'd been dismissed from seventh hour, only to hear an announcement telling us to go back for the remaining five minutes. The bell rang at least four times before eighth hour, and I think they turned it off after that. It was getting obnoxious. But, and this is another problem with our new school, the bell can hardly be heard from inside the classroom. There are speakers in there, but the sound only comes from the hallway. Isn't that interesting?

While I'm ranting about the new building, let me say something else. I'm taking Chemistry this year, and already my teacher has set a desk on fire (With Acetone, it was very cool) and she demonstrated how to use the fire shower, and the eye washing station. (There is a fire extinguisher, too, but she didn't want to show us that.) There are no fire alarms. That's nice, isn't it? We do have one of those sprinkler systems. The fun part about that is if there's a fire, we might have to make the flames a bit higher so the sprinkler's sensors are aware of it. There is a phone, to call 911, but it's right next to where any fires are most likely to happen. I like irony in books, but I'd like to keep it out of real situations.

On a funnier note, I'm taking journalism this year. I sit in front of James Kenobi (Not sure about spelling) and next to him is Dave Matthews. It made me laugh. Now, if my last name was Kenobi, I would be obligated to name my son Ben. I would just have to, there's no way around it. Or at least Luke, or something...but maybe his dad's name was Ben, and they didn't want a junior. Actually, his dad was probably born before Star Wars came out, so that may not be true. Maybe he has an older brother named Ben. Or maybe his parents don't like Star Wars at all. Now THAT's ironic.

Well, I have to wrap up this rant because I have tons of homework to do. (Ugh, Geometry...grr...)

Until next time,
~A&C

"I don't want to be perceived the way I am, I just want to be perceived the way I am."

Dad #1, Dad #2 and Song #3

Band Camp ended today, so we put on our first show for our friends and family. My mom and sisters couldn't be there because of V.B.S. (Vacation Bible School), and my friend Sarah was there too; another friend, Natalie, had to pack (she's going to Michigan tomorrow) leaving my dad to be the only one coming. I didn't really care if anyone came, just so long as I got a ride home. But my dad said he would come.

The show was supposed to start at seven-thirty. Parents started showing up at seven, while we were still practicing, but I didn't expect my dad to come until seven twenty or so. At seven fifteen, he wasn't there, but I was worried we were going to start early. By seven twenty five, we still hadn't started, but no sign of dad. I started to get mad, picturing him sitting at the computer, playing Diablo II, not realizing the time. We started playing at seven-thirty two. I tried to forget about my dad and concentrate on the music. Our show is called "The Rise and Fall of Rome," and consists of three songs; I have the first two basically memorized, but the third still needs work. Anyway, we finished, and my eyes scanned the crowd of parents, not seeing my dad amongst them. I felt hurt, offended that I wasn't important enough to him, for some reason. That a game he was playing was more important than making sure he was on time. (Though, this has happened to me before. The computer impairs your perception of time.) So I started packing up our stuff. I'm in the percussion pit, so we had quite a few instruments to put away. I started piling all our mallets into my arms and, not wanting to make two trips, I grabbed the triangles, the jingle bells (no joke), the finger cymbals, and the hammer. They had to go back into the school cafeteria (we had been on the football field). We were supposed to put our keyboards on the truck (which is really a semi) that was parked near the field. When I got back from putting the accessories away, the keyboards were gone, so I took some music stands to the band room. (I know this info seems pointless, but stick with me; I was in the building a lot, and never went to the truck)

Since my dad wasn't there, I asked my friend Jason (Senior; plays the trombone; had a crush on me last year) to give me a ride home. He's a bit of a crazy driver, but I made it home okay. My dad wasn't at home when I got there. At that point, I really didn't care if he had gone back to the school to look for me. He wasn't there when I wanted him to be, why should I be there for him? When I got inside the house I started to throw a fit. I was pretty angry. I threw my notebook on the floor, and my hat, and my bag, and I stomped around a bit. Then I started to cry. It wasn't fair! Why couldn't he keep his promises? Why couldn't he be there for me? God put his arms around me, and cried too. (This only made me cry more.) Then he whispered to me, "I'll always be there for you." And He told me to be still, and know that He is God.

At least I have one Dad who'll never let me down.

So I went to my room, and pouted for a bit, still feeling bad. The phone rang, and it was Natalie. While she rambled about Alias spoilers and an AU Lois and Clark fic, part of my brain was screaming at her to ask me how I was. I wanted her to realize that I was upset. I wanted her to listen as I poured out my heart and told her how I was feeling, how frustrated I was. It's not that I wasn't interested in what she was saying; on the contrary, I enjoy listening to her ramble and jump from topic to topic faster than a speeding bullet, but I had other things on my mind. So I laughed in the right spots, said all the appropriate "filler" words and she was none the wiser.

(Nat, if you're reading this, know that it's not your fault. I'm really good at that game. )

After we got off the phone, my dad came home. It was about fifteen minutes after I got back. I heard him come in and I went out to the living room, to hear his excuse. When he saw me, he was about as angry as I was.

"How did you get home?" he demanded.

Surprised, I stammered "I got a ride with Jason. You weren't there, so I got a ride."

"I was there!"

"I looked for you, I didn't see you!" Tears started to sting my eyes. "You weren't there."

"I WAS there, I saw you play!"

"Where were you? I looked for you, you weren't there." I was babbling, and repeating myself, but I couldn't believe it. He was *not* there.

"I was by the truck," he said indignantly. "You said you had to load everything up afterwards, so I figured I would see you over there. I saw all of you get in a little huddle and then after that you were gone."

Remember when I spent all that time inside. Oooh, I hate irony. Well, I love irony. I love to hate irony. Anyways...

"Why didn't you come find me? I had to take some stuff INSIDE too."

He did say something here, but I really don't remember what. I started to sulk off to my room at this point.

"You should have come and found me," I said over my shoulder. "I looked for you, and I didn't see you. I thought you weren't there so I got a ride."

I got to my room and started to cry again. Now, not only did I feel hurt, but I felt stupid. He had been there the whole time. I had rationalized, at the time, that even if he was in the crowd, he would come and find me. See if I needed help moving the Marimba or anything. Surely he would want to tell me what a good job he thought I did, even though I killed song three. Surely he would want to comment on the unusual costumes the pit has to wear this year. (We're the slaves of the Roman Empire) But no, he wanted to wait by the truck. So I spent a bunch of time being angry for no reason, right? Hmm, a thought popped into my mind, and I think it's intended to justify my anger: he was there, but he wasn't there *for* me. He didn't support me in the aforementioned ways.

Right now (surprise, surprise) he's sitting at the computer playing Diablo. Oy.

But I can't let this throw off my perspective. This is really an insignificant event. It's so little; I probably won't even remember it in a year. (Unless I come back and read this, that is) But that doesn't take away the hurt I feel, even though he was there. Even though I was angry, all that anger was really just my way of expressing how hurt I was.

In conclusion, no conclusion. Typical. I guess this situation was designed to teach me a lesson but I'm not entirely sure what it is. I guess that I know that I always have Jesus to hold me, and cry with me, but I already knew that. Oh well. The only thing I can do, is be still, and know who is God.

Until next time,
~A&C

P.S. This is so long! Well, I guess it makes up for the last one.

Eat, Sleep, and Band Camp

Whew! Band camp is soo exausting. Get this: I have to be there from 8:30 to 4 AND THEN come back from 6 to 9! That leaves me two hours every day that I'm not at band. Well, I guess I do get up at six, but that's besides the point.

Well, anyway, I'm really tired. I have to call my youth pastor, Matt, because I want to be on our senior high leadership team. (Because I'm in High School, and I'm not a freshman anymore, yay!)

Hmm, I guess this isn't really a rant, but I'd better wrap it up anyway. I have to eat and call Matt before 5:45.

Until next time,

~A&C

Proverbs 31, Jeremiah 29:11, and Philippians 1:3-6

WOW!

Before I explain that, I want to say that I really ought to update more if I'm going to make posts like the last one. That's so depressing. I felt better in the morning...

Anyway, back to this past week.

WOW!

So I was at this thing called CIY (Christ in Youth) and God is so AWESOME!!!! He showed me a bunch of things this week, but there were three main things that I noticed: He showed me how to fall in love with Him, He told me to use the people he's put in my life, and that when I trust Him and wait for *His* timing not mine, everything I've been hoping for turns out so much better than I expected.

I have never been this in love. I mean, Jesus *died* for *me!* Me! He died so that he could listen to me ramble about nothing and hold me when I have days like the last post. It totally blows my mind. He's so incredible! I just can't explain how absolutely amazing it is to know God. I'm closer to Him than I've ever been before and the best part is, I've only just touched the surface. He promised me that He'd never let me be alone, and that my life is going to be a wonderful adventure. How cool is that?

Want to know something else that's cool? He totally answers prayers. I've been needing accountability (that's a big church word but all it really means is a friend that makes sure you don't fall away from God and prays for you and stuff) but I've never been able to really talk about it. Anyway, God gave me some amazing friends and we've decided to get together before church on Sundays (7:30, it's early, but we can do it), go through a Bible study and totally keep each other strong. I'm so excited. I squeal and giggle when I think about it. I don't think the other girls are as excited as I am, but they probably haven't been praying about it for as long. I was so happy I said I was "stoaked" which is something I've never said before. It was sweet; Brenda (who is my fishie-mommy away from home) gave me this really weird look. Anyway, I'm completely psyched about it. I just know God is going to use this to become the women he wants us to be. Like the women described in Proverbs 31. (Go look it up)

I can't believe how God is forming me and molding me to be more like Him. That excites me too. Maybe I'm just giddy from the trip (which I actually don't think is the case, because I didn't start getting excited until I realized what Jesus was up to) but I've been very happy lately. I'm hoping that even when I start to have bad days, I'll still have this joy, this feeling of elation. I feel free, because I've let Jesus have my whole life. He's taking care of it, which brings me to the last thing. He showed me that waiting pays off with the accountability thing, now He's asked me to let him have my future. He can't make it the best unless I give it to Him to change. He won't tell me what he's got in mind, but I know it's going to be better than anything I can think of. It was on Thursday morning that it initially occurred to me. I thought, at first, that He wanted me to be a minister or a missionary or something, but He was telling me something different. All he wanted me to do was open myself up to whatever he wanted me to do. You see, I want to be a director, and I was putting everything towards that goal. Now, Jesus never told me I couldn't do that, but He knew that if I continued to pursue that the way I had, I would start becoming deaf to His calling. I was doing what *I* wanted to do, and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that my life is not about me. (And why should it be, anyway? Seriously, what have I done that I should live for me? Better to live for something greater than myself, that won't pass away like the things of this world, like I will someday.) So I told Jesus that He could lead, and I would follow. Now I feel so free! My life is in the hands that created everything! He said that He has amazing plans for me, and if I can't trust God, whom can I trust? And if God is for me, who do I have to be afraid of? Think about that. God is on my side. He's taking care of me. No one can do anything to me without His permission. Why He loves me, I'll never know, but He does. He really does.

So that's why I say, "I am not, but I know I Am."

Until next time,

~A&C